My Saturday Morning With OCD

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Content Warning: this post talks about OCD and intrusive thoughts that have to do with death. It also mentions the Netflix series “13 Reasons Why,” which deals with suicide and other traumatic life events. If you watch the show, I mention a spoiler from season four (it’s not huge and I don’t include specifics). I also talk about the grief and PTSD surrounding my father’s death. If any of these topics are triggering for you, you may want to skip this post or have a friend or family read it with you to make sure it won’t negatively affect your mental health.

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As with all of my posts that speak in detail about my various diagnoses and medications, I must state that these experiences are my own and yours might be completely different. I’m not a doctor and I strongly advise that you seek the help of a psychiatrist and/or therapist to figure out what treatment plan is best for you. Please see my disclaimer for more information about what I share on this site.

Welcome To My Life

Early on Saturday morning, I was singing to myself as I walked to the kitchen to refill my cup of coffee when I had an OCD thought that triggered PTSD flashbacks and led to a full-blown anxiety attack. That’s the way these things go. One minute I’m happy and singing and the next, I’m grasping the kitchen counter to try to stay upright while I sob uncontrollably over my cup of coffee.

After standing in the kitchen for a few moments, I made my way upstairs to startle Jeff and Hudson awake by sobbing and hyperventilating next to them in bed. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and told me to focus on my breath, which unfortunately triggered more flashbacks (more on that in a bit) but eventually helped calm me down. Finally, after lying still for what seemed like hours, I got up, walked back downstairs, and carried on with my day. Welcome to my life.

My OCD is constantly with me even when I’m happy. It’s with me even when I’m medicated. It’s with me in the calm, quiet morning when everyone else is asleep. It’s triggered by everything and nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive. They come whenever they want, wherever I am, and however I’m feeling. They don’t care. It doesn’t matter how often I’ve had and dismissed them before, they pop up again and again and are just as startling every time.