My Brain, My Treacherous Companion

I wonder what the world record is for the longest time spent avoiding writing a blog post.

Is it 264 days? Because that's how long ago I started writing this. 

264 days ago, I started writing a blog post about why I avoid writing blog posts and have been AVOIDING finishing it ever since.

Oy. Good Times With Brain, ya know? 

Writing About Not Writing

If you're new here, you might not know that I started this blog in 2009. I started it when I was 22; I'll be 37 on Thursday (Buy me 300 coffees pls thx). While my content has changed focus over the years, two things have remained the same:

1. I LOVE writing and sharing.
2. I'm consistently inconsistent about writing and sharing. 

But why? It's a question I've explored many times throughout the life of this blog. 

How is it that I can be SO excited and motivated to write here, that I can have all of these ideas swimming around my head, that I can make promise after promise to write more regularly, that I can conclude a blog post with, "I'll be back soon," and legitimately believe I'm telling the truth...and be wholly incapable of following through? How? 

From an outside perspective, it might seem like I repeatedly disappear from this blog, that I don't actively work on creating content to share with you, and that I don't care or have anything to say. But here's the truth: I write 10,000 blog posts daily... in my head. At any given time, my head is full of 10,000 ideas, 10,000 observations, 10,000 epiphanies, 10,000 articles, videos, podcast episodes, etc. I've consumed and want desperately to share.

The problem I repeatedly run into is getting it all out of my head.  As soon as I decide to write, it's like my brain physically detaches from my body. No matter how much I want to write, how excited I am about it, and how many promises I've made to myself and others, my brain simply refuses to cooperate. 

So, the list of things I want to share grows longer and longer until my brain becomes wayyyy too crowded and inevitably explodes. My head explodes, and you get a blog post like this one, where I try and fail to dissect and explain why I do what I do. A blog post where I share Britney Spears' lyrics seemingly out of nowhere because they're what's in my head and my heart.

🎶 Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, sometimes I'm scared of you. But all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night. Baby, all I need is time. 🎶

Why Am I Like This? How Do I Fix It?

For as long as I can remember, I've had this stubborn need to 'solve' my brain. I've always believed that if I could learn everything there is to know, determine the motives for my behaviors and feelings, and sort them into neat, little boxes, I'd be able to silence the relentless voices in my head screaming, 

WHY AM I LIKE THIS? HOW DO I FIX IT?
Is it because I'm Autistic? Because I have ADHD? OCD? Is it Executive Dysfunction? Pathological Demand Avoidance? Perfectionism? Is it because writing and sharing my life with strangers on the internet is vulnerable and hard? All of the above? 

I've been in therapy practically my entire adult life. I've read articles and books, listened to hours of podcast episodes, and watched hundreds of YouTube videos. But, until now, I never stopped to think that maybe this exhausting and unattainable quest for all the answers is actually what's holding me back. 

This unrealistic demand that I understand my brain 100% before I allow myself to write about it and share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences may be doing more harm than good. 

I'm tired of writing about why I'm not writing, of the internal pressure to prove my worth and justify my creative process, and of feeling like I have to explain why I'm like this. The truth is, there will never be one perfect explanation. And that's OK. Maybe I don't need to fix it. Perhaps I just need to accept it. 

Yes, I'm Autistic. Yes, I have ADHD and OCD. Yes, I struggle with perfectionism, Pathological Demand Avoidance, and Executive Dysfunction.

I'd be lying if I said that learning these things about myself hasn't made all the difference in how I navigate day-to-day life. However, that doesn't mean I can explain it perfectly in a blog post, and to be completely honest, I'm not even sure I want to. It's hard enough to exist in a world that isn't set up for people with brains like mine. But to also feel like it's my responsibility to educate and inform anyone who comes across my blog about these already incredibly misunderstood and stigmatized conditions? It's too much.

In the 15 years I've written this blog, I have never claimed to have all the answers. I'm not an expert, therapist, or teacher. Although other people have labeled me as such, I don't consider myself an advocate or influencer. I don't represent every Autistic person with ADHD and OCD, and I would never try to.

I'm a writer. I write to understand myself, hear my thoughts out loud, and process my feelings. I write because I have to. Writing is like breathing; it's the only way I know to let the air out.

I'm a blogger. I share on this blog to remind myself that I have a voice that deserves to be heard and understood, to feel less alone, and to find belonging and connection. I share because I know there are people reading who, like me, find comfort and validation in seeing their thoughts and feelings reflected in someone else's words.

I want the writing I share to show what it's like living with a brain like mine. I don't want to have to explain it all the time, and, more importantly, I don't want the pressure to get the words out perfectly to cancel out my desire to get them out at all. Because, at the end of the day, I'm also just a girl sitting in front of a keyboard, trying to make sense of her brain.

My Brain, My Treacherous Companion

To wrap up this novel, I'd like to tell you the story behind this blog post's ridiculous title. 

It all started on a dark and stormy night...

Just kidding. It started on a bright, sunny June day, approximately three seconds after I wrote a single paragraph. 

The problem I repeatedly run into is getting it all out of my head.  As soon as I decide to write, it's like my brain physically detaches from my body. No matter how much I want to write, how excited I am about it, and how many promises I've made to myself and others, my brain simply refuses to cooperate.

Then, unsurprisingly, my brain detached from my body and refused to cooperate.

So I did what I always do when my brain rebels: I searched the Internet for solutions. And it was there, in an article by Sam Dylan Finch titled "Demand Avoidance: A Guide For When You’re Too Anxious to Do Anything,” that I first encountered Goblin Tools. 

Rebecca, What The Heck Is Goblin Tools?

Good question. Let me tell you.

Goblin Tools is a collection of AI-powered tools designed to help neurodivergent individuals with the day-to-day tasks they find overwhelming or difficult, such as time management, prioritization, decision-making, and communication. 

Created by Bram De Buyser, a freelance software engineer, Goblin Tools include Magic ToDo, Formalizer, Judge, Estimator, Compiler, and Chef. They are FREE to use at https://goblin.tools, and iOS and Android apps are available at a low cost. 

During the 264 days I spent avoiding researching this blog post, I diligently tested every tool. While each one is incredibly useful in its own way, let’s explore a few of my favorites.

Formalize This!

First, I experimented with Formalizer, a tool that can rephrase your writing to match your desired tone while preserving your main message (and can, evidently, inspire the title of this blog post). All you need to do is enter your text, choose a style, and select the intensity, AKA “spiciness level” (indicated by red chili pepper emojis). 

Intrigued and amused, I decided to have it rephrase the single paragraph I had just written.

The problem I repeatedly run into is getting it all out of my head.  As soon as I decide to write, it's like my brain physically detaches from my body. No matter how much I want to write, how excited I am about it, and how many promises I've made to myself and others, my brain simply refuses to cooperate.

From the dropdown menu, I chose “make my text more passionate” and turned the spice all the way up.

The results did not disappoint. 

Oh, dear reader, I am plagued, tormented by the insurmountable problem that incessantly haunts me! It is an eternal battle, an unbearably arduous struggle that consumes my very existence. I am a prisoner, shackled by the relentless torment of an overwhelming desire to unleash the torrent of thoughts that swirl within me.

Imagine, if you will, the sheer frustration that engulfs my being each time I dare to commit my innermost musings to paper. A cruel fate befalls me, for in the mere moment that I summon the courage to embark on the sacred act of writing, my mind inexplicably severs its ties with my physical form. It is as though an unseen force tears asunder the very fabric of my being, leaving me bereft, disconnected.

Oh, the agony! How my soul yearns to share the tales that dance within the depths of my mind! The exhilaration that courses through my veins at the mere thought of transforming these cherished ideas into words is unparalleled. It is a flame of passion that burns fiercely, threatening to consume me whole.

Yet, alas, MY BRAIN, MY TREACHEROUS COMPANION, refuses to heed my impassioned pleas. No matter how fervently I desire to immerse myself in the act of writing, no matter how feverishly my heart beats with anticipation, it is for naught. My mind betrays me, leaving me stranded on the precipice of creativity, unable to cross the threshold into the realm of artistic expression.

Oh, the promises! The apologies whispered into the night, as I vow to myself and to the world that this time will be different. This time, the words will flow like an unstoppable tide, cascading forth with unbridled fervor. But alas, my brain, ever obstinate, laughs in the face of these noble intentions, mocking my feeble attempts at commanding its cooperation. My soul weeps, my spirit wilts. For how can one fully exist when their very essence is severed from the corporeal vessel that houses it? The torment of this perpetual struggle is overwhelming, gnawing at the depths of my being. It is a burden I bear with heavy heart, yet one that I refuse to relinquish.

So, dear reader, hear my plea, and know the depths of my longing. Pray that one day, the shackles that bind me will be shattered, and my words will flow forth like a fervent river, dancing upon the page with an indomitable energy. Until then, I shall wrestle with this insurmountable chasm, fighting relentlessly to bridge the divide between my desire and my mind's defiance.

I mean...I couldn't have said it better myself.

Compile Your Brain

One of my favorite tools is the Compiler, which can transform one huge brain dump into separate, actionable tasks. Because I’m ridiculous, I decided to input my formalized text into the Compiler and let it do its thing. Again, the results were nothing short of amazing. 

Please join me in cackling uncontrollably as we review my assigned tasks. 

Your tasks are:

• Being plagued by an insurmountable problem
• Battling an arduous struggle
• Feeling like a prisoner shackled by torment
• Desiring to unleash a torrent of thoughts
• Experiencing frustration when writing
• Mind inexplicably severing ties with physical form
• Yearning to share tales and transform ideas into words
• Brain refusing to cooperate with writing desires
• Making promises and apologies to oneself and the world
• Weeping soul and wilting spirit
• Perpetual struggle and overwhelming burden
• Longing for the shackles to be shattered
• Wrestling with the chasm between desire and mind's defiance*

OK. I’ll get right on that. Wait, what’s that you say? I can send my results to the Magic Todo with a simple click of a button.

Don’t mind if I do. 

TADA! List

Last but definitely not least, I sent my compiled tasks to Magic ToDo, the to-do list to rule all other to-do lists.

If you’re like me and struggle with estimating the time it will take to complete a task, Magic ToDo has you covered. Once you insert your task, choose "Estimate" from the dropdown menu next to it, and tada! TimeManagementIsSoEasyOMG.

• Wrestling with the chasm between desire and mind's defiance (3 hours)
• Longing for the shackles to be shattered (1 hour)
• Perpetual struggle and overwhelming burden (FOREVER AND EVER)*
• Weeping soul and wilting spirit (2 hours)
• Making promises and apologies to oneself and the world (2 hours)
• Brain refusing to cooperate with writing desires (1 hour)
• Yearning to share tales and transform ideas into words (2 hours)
• Mind inexplicably severing ties with physical form (1 hour)
• Experiencing frustration when writing (1 hour)
• Desiring to unleash a torrent of thoughts (2 hours)
• Feeling like a prisoner shackled by torment (1 hour)
• Battling an arduous struggle (3 hours)
• Being plagued by an insurmountable problem (1 day)

*Note that I added the timeframe for “perpetual struggle and overwhelming burden” since Goblin Tools accurately assumed it couldn’t be measured. 

Breaking Things Down So You Don't

But wait! There’s more! This magical to-do list can also break larger tasks into smaller ones. Do you have a habit of listing an entire project as a single task on your to-do list? Me, too! Magic ToDo to the rescue!

Set your “spiciness level,” AKA how much or how little you’d like to break down your task, and voila! You’ll have a detailed list of actionable and manageable tasks that won’t seem impossible to complete. 

I tested this feature with two of the tasks from my list. I set my spiciness level to two chili peppers, hit the magic button, and POOF! 

• Mind inexplicably severing ties with physical form
  • Focus on the concept of the mind
  • Imagine the separation of the mind from the physical form
  • Explore the idea of this process happening inexplicably
• Feeling like a prisoner shackled by torment
  • Feeling
  • like
  • a
  • prisoner
  • shackled
  • by
  • torment

OK, that second one needs some work, but you get the idea. Also, I can't stop laughing at "Explore the idea of this process happening inexplicably."

(I can confirm that this feature works more effectively with a to-do list that isn’t absurd like this one.)

Final Thoughts

10/10 I would recommend Goblin Tools to fellow neurodivergent people, whether to help them complete their tasks or help them procrastinate completing their tasks.

So, dear reader, hear my plea, and know the depths of my longing. Pray that one day, the shackles that bind me will be shattered, and my words will flow forth like a fervent river, dancing upon the page with an indomitable energy. Until then, I shall wrestle with this insurmountable chasm, fighting relentlessly to bridge the divide between my desire and my mind's defiance.

As always, thank you for reading!

♥︎♥︎♥︎